Navigating Uncertainty as a First-Year Associate in Tax

As I sit in my room, working remotely and feeling overwhelmed, I find myself reflecting on my journey as a first-year associate in a Big Four tax department. With my first year set to conclude in July, I’m faced with challenges I never anticipated.

Initially, our group welcomed five new associates, yet I now find myself as the sole remaining first-year in a landscape that has dramatically shifted. The uncertainty surrounding my colleagues—who have either been reassigned or endured layoffs—has left me feeling isolated. Despite being based in one of the largest offices, I am navigating this experience mostly alone.

Looking ahead, I am scheduled for over 40 hours per week, but the reality is that most weeks will likely exceed 50 hours, with some approaching the daunting 80-hour mark. I recently received notifications that I would be taking on additional clients that have yet to be reflected in my current workload—but the thought of managing more responsibilities is daunting.

On top of my professional hurdles, I am also grappling with my CPA exams. I am slated to retake the AUD exam for the fourth time on Monday, and my recent experience with the FAR exam was disheartening. Despite feeling well-prepared, I was dismayed to learn that my score dropped by 17 points from my previous attempt.

The cumulative weight of these challenges is leaving me utterly exhausted. As I look ahead to the coming months, I know they will be particularly taxing. Despite my ambition to advance to senior associate, I am clouded by doubts about my future in Accounting. The current job market adds a layer of anxiety, making it difficult to contemplate leaving this path even when it feels overwhelming.

While I strive to maintain my resolve and push through these difficulties, I can’t help but wonder: is this the right fit for me? It’s hard to shake the feeling of despair that has enveloped me during this initial phase of my career. As I navigate this tumultuous period, I hope to find clarity and resilience amid the uncertainty.